Yesterday Rebecca and I were discussing her greatest phobia, which is vermin. More specifically, rodents. In fact, Rebecca hates all animals that have a rat/weasel/ badger type muzzle that can bear the majority of their teeth when angry. Because of the abundance of them in urban areas, Rebecca particularly hates squirrels. I know this for a fact as I saw her scream and throw a rock at a squirrel passing by while on a hike with her. Anyway, back to yesterday.
Rebecca told me some ideas she had on how to eliminate the entire squirrel population. Her first idea was to create a market for squirrel meat products such as squirrel steaks and jerky. Furthermore, she wants to create a hyped up craze for squirrel products such as squirrel skin belts and squirrel headbands. She may have mentioned celebrity endorsements as well. I told Rebecca if this plan were implemented and successful, she would have to get used to seeing squirrel paraphernalia frequently. "I could handle it," was her response.
After a slightly awkward moment of silence I thought of an even better idea. Yes, its a better idea. It would require much more commitment on Rebecca's part, but I feel it would be much more effective at eliminating the squirrel population. Rebecca would need to start by going to medical school. She would need graduate summa cum laude from a prestigious medical school such as Johns Hopkins University. After graduating she would need to work as a doctor for several years until she could obtain a teaching position at a prestigious university known for it's research. Her research would focus on influenza, and various strains of it. She would need to publish a number of articles in several peer-reviewed journals for at least five years in order to establish herself as a well-known expert in the field of influenza. Finally, at the peak of her success she would need to publish an article stating that the squirrel flu is real, and highly deadly. More deadly, and more contagious than the pig flu of the early 2000's. The medical community would be in turmoil. No one would see this coming. But because Dr. Pletsch is renowned for her work with influenza, everyone would believe her.
Subsequently, trustworthy media outlets such as CNN would hear of the squirrel flu and its deadly effects and report to the public that precautions need to be taken to prevent the squirrel flu from spreading to their loved ones. Therefore, everyone would take it upon themselves to exterminate every squirrel they come across leading to an extinction of squirrels worldwide and a feeling of bliss for Rebecca.
So if you ever hear of a squirrel pandemic, just go with it. It's for Rebecca.
3 comments:
I have witnessed this phobia first hand as well while at Havasupai. She also started to foam at the mouth, it was frightening. I'm kind of on her side though, because they did chew threw the strap on my hiking backpack..dang them..
I was with you until you called CNN "trustworthy." This alone renders everything you have ever written untrustworthy.
I can't think of a better cause to dedicate my life to than to the eradication of squirrels... If the MD thing doesn't work out than I will just draft a UN resolution for the abolishment of squirrels, the UN is corrupt... I think I could get it through by greasing a few palms... Also it would take attention away from the whole mideast conflict thing... the extermination of squirrels is something we all can agree on, or if not and it starts WW III I'm fine with that too...
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