Public Transportation

So I started a new job about a month and a half ago. If you can't wait to learn about my new job in future posts go here to learn more about where I work. Anyway, rather than drive to work everyday I take public transportation. There are three reasons why I do this:

A) the cheapest place to park downtown is $6.50 per day

2) early morning traffic is worse than this (hard to believe, but its true)

D) my work gives me a bus pass for free

I've been a regular TriMet rider for a solid month and a half and it has been quite the experience. The morning commute to work on MAX (light rail train as pictured above) is generally uneventful as its usually just people going to work. Most of the interesting things I see happen on my way home when the MAX becomes a melting pot of working commuters, students of all ages, financially disabled people, financially wise people, bad parents, a few good parents, environmentalists, a handful of us beautiful people, etc.

By far the most interesting thing I've seen thus far was an all-out fist fight that was broken up by the police. I'm not sure how it started but when I took my headphones off I heard some guy yelling "I don't know how you guys do things here, but I'm from Longbeach. I'm from Cali!" My first thought was to yell back "Then go back to Cali and shut up!" But rather than instigate a fight with someone much bigger than me and already steaming mad I just put my headphones back on. About a minute later I looked over just in time to see the first punch: a solid sucker-punch to the ear/jawbone area. The guy getting punched fell over in his seat while the puncher ran off the train and started an early celebration. But then the punchee got up and attacked the puncher. This was the awesome part because the punchee was much smaller and kicked the crap out of the puncher. Then the police showed up and broke up the fight.

This was a very unusual situation though. Most people on the MAX don't bother anyone else. They just sit there and mind their own business. However, I've noticed that some people are more likely to talk to strangers on the MAX than others. I also noticed a few common characteristics among these people but nothing was consistent with all of them except one thing. Smell. That's right. The smellier they are, the more they want to talk to strangers. I've created an easy to read graph below that will help in my explanation. I've also come up with a smell scale that ranges from 0 to 10. A 0 on the smell scale would be no smell at all. A 5 would be a general beef jerky smell that is definitely bad, but not quite enough to make you get up and change seats. And a 10 is the kind of smell that will make you gag instantly, if not vomit.

As you can see, there is a direct correlation between the smelliness of a person and their likelihood of talking to you. It starts out pretty at a steady rate, but then at about a 5 on the smell scale it begins to rise quicker until you get to a 9. I've noticed through my observational research that after a person goes beyond a 9 on the smell scale the likelihood of them talking to you dramatically decreases to almost a 0% chance. The smelliest of the smelly will almost never talk to you. I've also started noticing a correlation between "crazy eyes" and talking to strangers but I don't have enough definitive information to state any theories yet. Perhaps in a future post.

Anyway, congratulations if you stumbled back onto my blog and for reading through this very long post. If you're lucky, I think next time I'll write about how my job is better than yours.

This Weekend Only!

If you're reading this, congratulations! You are someone I can call a true friend. Who else would check my blog? I haven't written on this thing in about a year and a half! Anyway, I've decided to start blogging once again, and hopefully this stint of motivation I have will last longer than it did last time. I don't have anything to say right now, but there will be a confection of capricious comedic commentary coming soon. So if you're one of the handful of people that are so bored you've conceded to that thought of "Maybe Collin is blogging again," I have one thing to say to you.: Welcome, I hope you enjoy your stay here. And feel free to comment as much as you want.

Why are you so sweaty? I was watching cops.

*DISCLAIMER* If your name isn't Bryce, you won't get some of this and you will think this is a very boring post. However, it is written for anyone to read since those not named Bryce are likely to read it anyway.

Bryce and I have been friends for several years now. Anyone that knows both of us remotely well knows that we are very similar. Bryce is quite funny and can come up with hilarious things very quickly. In fact, Bryce may be funnier than me (probably not though). Because of this, I will often repeat the funny things Bryce says, to others that do not know Bryce in an effort to make me seem funnier and wittier than I really am. For instance, some of my friends know about Plan B. These friends know that Bryce and I came up with it together. But they don't know that a few of the Plan B's that I told them I cam up with were actually from the twisted mind of Bryce.

Bryce likes to go by one of two aliases. The first alias is Rufio. I'm not exactly certain what Bryce's reasoning is for choosing Rufio. Maybe its because the character Rufio in the movie Hook is freaking awesome, or maybe Bryce is trying to emulate the hardcore emo band Rufio. I have always assumed that its because of the Hook character since the band Rufio isn't that good and Bryce often says bangarang.  The second alias is Chet. I really have no idea why Bryce occasionally insists on being called Chet. Its not that great of a name. I mean, its not a bad name. But its no better than any other name in my opinion. The alias Chet has a last name as well but I don't care enough to remember it.

I also like to annoy Bryce as often as possible. Below are a few of the things I have done to make him angry.

• I repeatedly like to tell Bryce that in the event of an "untimely" death that I would marry Megan, his wife.
• I stick my finger in Bryce's water glass before he drinks out of it at restaurants so he has to ask the server for another glass. Its funny watching him give a full glass of water to the server and asking for a replacement. The server's expression is always funny as well.
• I intentionally have opposing opinions to almost every political stance Bryce has just to see how angry he can get at me.
• I bring up "touchy" subjects such as immigration, global warming (according to Bryce it doesn't exist), or most things pro-Obama just to see how quickly he will get upset.

So why the pointless post about Bryce, and why all the links to Bryce's blog? I did it because of a recent comment where Bryce instructed me to stop linking his name to his blog. I only have one thing to say to you Bryce: DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN!

Real Men Cry

A while ago my good friend Bryce Fisher was telling me about this one time him and his wife were watching a movie. I don't remember which movie it was, but it was probably some feel good movie of the year because towards the end Bryce felt his eyes getting watery. He looked over at Megan and her eyes were as dry as the Sahara. After making fun of him for crying I confessed that I too cry at movies that most people don't cry at.

The first time this ever happened to me was when I was 12 or so at the end of the movie My Girl. I was watching it with my family, including my mother which is known for crying at really cheesy movie scenes, and I was the only one in tears. After telling this to Bryce we went on to list some of the movies that we're ashamed to have cried at. Some of the movies include:

• My Girl
• Armageddon
• Bridge to Terabithia
• Seven Pounds
• U-571
• Others which we're too ashamed to admit

Not all of these movies have turned our eyes into fountains, but have at least caused a few tears to fall when others were quite the opposite. 

I then told Bryce of a commercial that gets me every time I see it. I have to change the channel or else I will cry. Guaranteed. It the 2 minute ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan. I'm not sure if it's the song, my affinity for animals, or subliminal messages but every single time I have watched that commercial my eyes get watery. Feel free to make fun of me for it but its a really sad commercial. It has all those poor dogs and cats that have been hurt. Watch the whole video and you'll see what I'm talking about. You can watch it here.

Dr. Rebecca Pletsch, MD

Yesterday Rebecca and I were discussing her greatest phobia, which is vermin. More specifically, rodents. In fact, Rebecca hates all animals that have a rat/weasel/ badger type muzzle that can bear the majority of their teeth when angry. Because of the abundance of them in urban areas, Rebecca particularly hates squirrels. I know this for a fact as I saw her scream and throw a rock at a squirrel passing by while on a hike with her. Anyway, back to yesterday.

Rebecca told me some ideas she had on how to eliminate the entire squirrel population. Her first idea was to create a market for squirrel meat products such as squirrel steaks and jerky. Furthermore, she wants to create a hyped up craze for squirrel products such as squirrel skin belts and squirrel headbands. She may have mentioned celebrity endorsements as well. I told Rebecca if this plan were implemented and successful, she would have to get used to seeing squirrel paraphernalia frequently. "I could handle it," was her response.

After a slightly awkward moment of silence I thought of an even better idea. Yes, its a better idea. It would require much more commitment on Rebecca's part, but I feel it would be much more effective at eliminating the squirrel population. Rebecca would need to start by going to medical school. She would need graduate summa cum laude from a prestigious medical school such as Johns Hopkins University. After graduating she would need to work as a doctor for several years until she could obtain a teaching position at a prestigious university known for it's research. Her research would focus on influenza, and various strains of it. She would need to publish a number of articles in several peer-reviewed journals for at least five years in order to establish herself as a well-known expert in the field of influenza. Finally, at the peak of her success she would need to publish an article stating that the squirrel flu is real, and highly deadly. More deadly, and more contagious than the pig flu of the early 2000's. The medical community would be in turmoil. No one would see this coming. But because Dr. Pletsch is renowned for her work with influenza, everyone would believe her.

Subsequently, trustworthy media outlets such as CNN would hear of the squirrel flu and its deadly effects and report to the public that precautions need to be taken to prevent the squirrel flu from spreading to their loved ones. Therefore, everyone would take it upon themselves to exterminate every squirrel they come across leading to an extinction of squirrels worldwide and a feeling of bliss for Rebecca.

So if you ever hear of a squirrel pandemic, just go with it. It's for Rebecca.

The Fort, Part II - Phase 2: Purchasing

Phase 2 was the purchasing phase and was completed today. The estimate from Phase 1 was $26.74. So far we are under budget by $1.12, which puts us at $25.62.

The materials are currently being stored in a secure location awaiting Phase 3, the building phase, to commence. Phase 3 should commence in roughly one week; possibly on June 6, 2009. Keep in mind this date is a tentative date and there is the possibility Phase 3 will commence before or after the tentative date of June 6, 2009.

Keep checking this blog for continuing updates on the progress of the Fort, Part II.

The Fort, Part II - Phase 1: Planning

Although Phase 1 has been completed for almost a week, I am officially announcing that it is complete. Phase 1 consisted of the following:
-Deciding on materials
-Taking measurements
-Pricing materials
-Creating 3D diagrams of the Fort, Part II (see this posting for diagrams)
-Obtaining proper building permits


Keep checking this blog for continuing updates on the progress of the Fort, Part II.